Illusion..

Have you ever looked at a child closely? Always ready to do what there they want to. They absolutely defy all senses of time and logic and lead their own independent life. Perhaps I have never felt freer than in my childhood. Ironically I was overly dependent on others even to carry out my basic daily activities let alone other complex tasks. If I had some sense then probably I would have wanted myself to be physically more independent. As ironical as life is, today as I write this I have all the physical and financial freedom I ever wanted but yet my mind has been hopelessly tamed at every step. There is always a constant tussle going on between me and my image in the society. And I have reached a stage where possibly it is impossible to judge whether a desire is a genuine one or just a manifestation of these flawed societal norms.

At each stage I am expected to act in a mature manner like grownups do. So I m constantly advised not to indulge in childish acts and not take irrational decisions which I cannot justify. Why doesn’t anyone expect me to be just happy and help me work out a way towards it? Why are we trying to build people as clones of each other and thus occupying their befitting functions based on false judgmental parameters of limited human perception. I remember when I was a kid, I loved playing basketball. The passion for the game is still there though it has been over 5 years since I have even touched the ball. Why cant I just run to a basketball field and play with those kids as If I was one of them? Why cant I just get wet in the first rain of the season wearing a business suit? I ask myself these questions and fall into a lull silence. Perhaps to blame anyone would be wrong as the decision to unlearn or ignore the misguided and tainted path of the society is ultimately an individual’s choice. Yes but today I really miss the mental freedom I had as a child… I want to be a child again and do silly things.

The Meeting !!

I had a train at 6: 20 am. Apparently till 5: 40 am i was blissfully occupied in my fairy land when "soemone" thankfully dropped in to wake me up. I guess it was signal that GOD really wanted me to go and see her. So here i was sitting pretty in the train at 6:19 all set with the requisite foos items and water bottle. The train reached at around 2 pm at the crowded Howrah Station. i quickly caught up a cab and rushed to Camac Street. I wanted to spend my maximum time with her. Gave her a call from the office to realise that a common friend of us was with her. No offences meant against the guy, but i wanted to spent some time alone with her.... I was kind off lill pissed off.... Another chubby affair i thought.... meaningless talks....never the less i have her around me so what could be better than this...

Around 6:30 pm i finally got free from the array of meeting scheduled for me... I headed into large mall (dont recollect the name) . Started searching for her but all could find was Pantaloon , Westwide ...etc etc. Soon they came out and spotted me. I greeted her with a restrained waiver of the hand.... however i actually wanted to give her a bear hug and tell her i missed you and i m so glad to see you. Anyways we qucikly rushed into Pizza Hut as i was completely exhausted and extremely hungry.... She was sitting besides me... at times i cud feel her ... I do not know y but i wanted to touch her... i wanted to hold her hand and sit there till eternity.... I wanted to probably talk to her and her only...on the contrary all i was doing is talking to him...

In the middle of the conversation our eyes met for a moment and i shyed away... her eyes are so damn beautiful, i feel like falling into those deep eyes and never come out.... Those eyes they speak so much... i can see all concern and care for me all over that face... i knw even though she was not talking but was patiently hearing to what i was saying and obviously displeased by it....

I guess i wanted her to get up and say why u r doing this? Hold my hand and explain me like a baby !! But nothing actually happened! Once we were done with the Pizzas, we quickly hopped into her car...

Clarity - Is it really required ?

Anybody well familar with Librans would understand the fallacy of balance of scales which leads to confusion... believe me a lot of confusion. I am no different than the usual libra in this regard. Many a times i m confused apparently because i tend to see both kinds of the coin so well that it becomes next to impossible to stick with one.... Sometimes it does seem like a huge blessing but yet at the other times i do wish to be more ignorant! Sometimes ignorance can be bliss because atleast it gives you some clarity and mental peace. May be your decision is wrong but atleast you know where you are heading.

But here i have a situation in life. I love this gal and i absolutely am very clear where i want to take this relationship. I guess i have never been so clear so convinced about anything in life... though people associated may not agree.... I m always confident about most of the things i say... Well I agree but deep down probably i have my confusions and the zig zag scales going from one side to the other. But here i am with the utmost clarity i probably can achieve, but still the relation is in a mess.... makes me think at times after i m probably happy with my scales hanging !! Atleast for 3 days in a week i would be convinced that probably she is not the ONE and have peace !!

Human nature

Well i have been reading quite a lot offlate during my training at chennai and i guess i have come across a very basic reality which i believe tht we really do nt understand.

"Most human beings behave in a certain manner because they expect themselves to be treated in the same manner by the other person"

The basic assumption ofcourse being that the person is behaving naturally ...And since the natural behaviour varies with relationship so does the expectation..

What essentially i want to say is tht we are unconsiousally always setting up examples which we want people to imitate.Further if we dwell on this statement i believe we can draw the conclusion that intrinsically at a subconcious level human beings are selfish , hence they always set up examples to imulate... Mind u im nt saying tht humanity and charity are illusionery concepts. I am a great believer and implementer of humanism..

Another explanation we can draw is also that every human being thinks his rationale is right so are his actions unless questioned...But i guess there are ppl including me i guess who actually enjoy their rationale being challenged bcoz i guess whenevr something is questioned evolution happens... and hence it is the prime source of self development...

Hence within the limited ambit of my experiences and acquaintances i wud tend to confer more with the EXAMPLE SETTING theory..... The implications of this could be pretty profound..

Imagine i meet a person X and i wnt to have a freindship with him all i need to do is study his/her behaviour with his/her friends and i m pretty sure i will get a very good idea of wht X expects from friendship...Weather i m actually able to deliver it or not is a different matter..

I do nt think that most ppl actually understand this... I believe that understanding this small thing cn go a long way in removing the small operational issues existing in ones relationship..

Please note that all views accepted are as per my own whims and have no absolute authenticity besides my limited purview of thinking....